Wednesday, May 26, 2010

You've Got To Be Kidding Me....

A while ago ABW wrote this post about the things people you say to you while your husband is deployed. I read through her stories as well as the stories of my own but didn't have anything to add at that point.....

Can you tell where this is going?

There is this woman at work who on last Wednesday (mind you this was the day my husband actually left and I was already a mess) asked me if my husband had left yet. Of course, because of OPSEC, I wasn't going to tell her that yes, he was leaving that day so I just said yea he's been gone. (Since he had been at the mob site for a couple months already.)

She then proceeds to ask me how long he was going to be away. Here is basically how the rest of our conversation went:

Me: A year
Her: WOW! That's a really long time!
Me: silently: No shit!
Her: Well my husband is currently gone too. He's in France right now painting (yes, I said painting) for two months.
Me: Nice.
Her: Yea, it's really hard. I miss him so much. Things are just so hard on me right now.
Me: silently: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: silently again: Are you seriously comparing my husband going to war for a year to your husband painting in France for two months!!

Luckily for me, I have a close friend who was standing there and while she didn't know exactly what was going on with me that day she knew I wasn't all together with it and assumed it had to do something with my husband leaving. She kindly takes over the conversation and I back out.

Literally five seconds after their conversation ends she comes back over to me.

Her: Wow! A year is a LONG time!
Her: How are you going to do it??
Her: It's a really long time!
Her: Wow. A year.
Me: silently again: You've got to be fucking kidding me!! Do you have to go out of your way to keep reminding me how long it is? Don't you think I already know how long it is. I'm the one who is living it remember?

Again, I silently bowed out of the conversation and left the room for a bit to unwind.

I truly was in shock at what she was saying. I know in my heart that she didn't mean for it to come across the way that it did and I know far worse things have been said to people. I'm sure she just didn't know what to say. But for the love of God, if you don't know what to say - than don't say ANYTHING at all!

Has anyone else had experiences like this? Or experiences like those that were posted at ABW? Maybe you've had nice things said or done for you? I'd like to hear what you guys have experienced.


Julie the Army Wife said...

It's frustrating. Even if a friend has a husband who had to go away on business for 2 months, most likely he is calling her every night and he is safe. A lot of people have no clue what we go though at all.

mom2ahrj said...

{hugs} i'm so sorry that woman was so insensitive! and, yes, there are probably tons of us milspouses who've been through it - take what comfort you can knowing that you are not alone! i actually had another milspouse tell me she understood how rough i had it when her hubby had been gone for about 1 month on a training mission and that was the only time they'd really been away from each other - my hubby has been gone for most of our marriage and at that time he was in iraq - there's even more to the story but you get the idea
i know you're struggling right now - just try not to be too hard on yourself and lean on those friends who are true friends - you'll make it! promise!

Renee said...

Oh yeah...I've had the same reactions to my husband leaving. I hate the questions "are you okay?" the day after he left.(Hell No), "What are you going to do?" (WTF? What do you think I'm going do? Have a party? Run a-muck? Have a breakdown?), and then knowing that he's gone and seeing that I am crying or upset.."Is something wrong"? (OMG - what could POSSIBLY be wrong?). I also love the ..."you should get a hobby" advise to 'make the time go faster'. Oh, and let's not forget this one..."it'll go by fast" (Really? the last time I check 24 hours was still 24 hrs at a time).

Gosh - I love Milspouses... they are the ONLY ones that can relate!

Kelli said...

=( Yeah, I definitely agree, if you don't have anything to say...keep it that way and don't say anything at all!!

Tiffanie said...

OHHH YAH! I flip...I had a "prior military" AF guy get in my face after he saw my DOD stickers for Pendleton, & I was no where near the base & had Loverboy's dogtags on he put the pieces together & told me he pitied me! I LOST MY MIND! I went all ape$h*T (excuse my french). My son, a month after I had my daughter (c-sec) was throwing an outrageous fit (as most toddlers with a new baby sister, going through a deployment I'd imagine would do occasionally) in Target & threw a sports bra with a hanger at my face & hit me. So I calmly told him that wasn't how he was going to behave & I spanked his joke the guy eyeballed me until I got to the register, checked out & went to my car in the parking lot. I normally is very calm but I just had a baby, my husband was was a huge argument that turned into him acting all high & mighty but he shut up real quick when I asked him where his wedding ring was & his children...oh what you have none?! Good shut your mouth. But he was prior military so he knew what I was going through...I asked him how long...2 yrs...why only 2 I have no idea. But I told him he was ignorant & that I'd been a Military wife longer than he was in & was on my second deployment (he hadn't ever deployed either)...I almost had to call the cops on him because he blocked my car in & wouldn't let me leave, at least until I got out of my car while he was yelling God knows what at me & I told him I was going to drag his a$$ out of his car & move it myself. It was sooo bad! Sometimes people just need to hold their's just ignorance...not as in they are stupid people...but they literally have no clue what it is like nor can they even compare unless they have done it themselves! LoverBoy is leaving for a year is a long time...I'm here for you though! I'll understand in a couple more months...I've only done 7 months so far!

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This Blog is my outlet. It's where I share my thoughts and feelings. It's a place where I can vent. Not everyone thinks alike. People don't always share the same religious or political views. Some people (like me!) occasionally think in more “colorful” terms than others. Sorry, but I'm a big girl and can use cuss words and talk about not-so-mainstream stuff if I want to. If you find that sort of language offensive / shocking / annoying, you may want to stop reading now. Life as a military wife ain't always pretty. It's my life, though, so don't say I didn't warn you.