Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm Feeling A Little Lighter Today

I'm sorry I haven't really been posting much. Although I'm irritated with myself for being sorry. When I started blogging again I told myself that I wouldn't pressure myself to have a post every day or even every couple days unless I had something I truly wanted to share. I didn't (and still don't) want to spend countless hours thinking of what I'm going to blog about next. I don't like or need any added pressure in my life these days.

Which gets back to the whole reason behind this post. The past couple weeks have been hard. I've really struggled with getting use to SF's new work schedule. Yes, he's still home - but a lot of times I still feel like a single parent. These days he's gone before we get up in the morning and there are some nights when he will still be taking working call at 11:30 at night! And considering this is the same man who use to turn his phone off the second he walked in the door - I'm struggling.

I get it! I really do. I understand that it's a necessary evil. But that doesn't mean that I like it or that I even really know how to deal with it.

And what I realized last night is that I can't continue to hold it all in. I need to vent. I need to get it all out. I use to hold it all in because I didn't want to take something I had no control over and blow it up into a huge ordeal which inevitably would turn into an argument.

We only have a few months of time left together and I don't want to argue it away. I've heard from many other military spouses that the last few months are before deployment are spent arguing and bickering over little things. I was determined not to be one of those. But I failed.

Hopefully now that everything is out in the open, we'll better be able to handle it. My shoulders are feeling a little lighter today as I woke up realizing that I've learned a valuable lesson. Yes, my life is changing around me and I have no control over it but it doesn't mean that I have to be quiet about it. I'm still allowed to have anger and frustrations and I'm still allowed and should be voicing my concerns over it. Holding it in doesn't help - it only makes it worse.

It's been a hard lesson to learn and hopefully I won't have to learn it more than once.


ToadMama said...

I don't think this particular issue falls into the category of those trivial little we chatted about last week. You know there's not a lot you can do about it. He knows there's not a lot he can do about it. So I think you were right to admit that it has you frustrated. Knowing him, he's probably just as frustrated because he'd MUCH rather spend time with you and the kids. I'd guess your voicing your displeasure helped you both.

shan said...

And I don't think you *failed* at anything. Guess what? Arguments happen, bickering happens. Sure, you don't want to spend all of your last moments together arguing, but if you let him leave and have bottled in whatever trivial things may be bothering you, then all you'll feel is resentment and anger (in addition to whatever other "normal" emotions there are to feel during deployment).

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This Blog is my outlet. It's where I share my thoughts and feelings. It's a place where I can vent. Not everyone thinks alike. People don't always share the same religious or political views. Some people (like me!) occasionally think in more “colorful” terms than others. Sorry, but I'm a big girl and can use cuss words and talk about not-so-mainstream stuff if I want to. If you find that sort of language offensive / shocking / annoying, you may want to stop reading now. Life as a military wife ain't always pretty. It's my life, though, so don't say I didn't warn you.